Oh the Pastabilities!

Also known as the eighth wonder of the world (somewhere, probably), homemade pasta has quickly become essential for us. Thanks lockdown! Obviously, spending so much time at home, we've all had time to maybe experiment with things we'd always wanted to, but put off. For some it was banana bread (waddup my sorority gals?!), for others it was the perfect sourdough (I see you my artsy mandem) - so many other things - but for me, that was busting out the pasta roller I had bought an age okay which didn't have one speck of flour on it yet.

Before we get into this, I should make it clear; I am not a pasta genius, nor do I think of myself as one. I am as layman as it gets (nor do I do this every time I want pasta because, let's face it, who can be fucked with that - just crack open a box, shove it in some boiling water, and shove a jar a sauce in there while you're at it). But, I have made some fire batches of pasta, and also a couple of terrible ones, so I do know what I've done well, and what I've done wrong, and that's all I want to convey to you. I may even say some things that pasta worshippers and die hard Italians will throw a Napolitano style eruption that would rival Pompeii (too soon?), but I am not claiming to be a traditionalist either. All I know is I love pasta, and I have found a way to make it in my own home and really fucking love it, okay?

Now - not everyone will have a pasta roller, and that's fine. There are alternatives. I mean, I'm pretty sure they didn't use them in Italy back in the day (they used this enormous wooden pasta rolling pin that I would have no fucking chance of using. If it's longer than 6 inches, I'm fucked). You can also just use a normal rolling pin, or an empty bottle of wine, or if you have a KitchenAid, you can get a little pasta rolling attachment for it, which seems pretty cool. For me, I love my little pasta roller. It feels more hand on than the KitchenAid attachment, but not such hard work as manoeuvring a 40 inch wooden shaft around my kitchen. Plus, I don't have the space for that in my kitchen, so I ain't fucking with it.

So, how the fuck do you make it, Jordan? Well, is how I do it.

I make enough pasta dough for 4 servings. You wanna be Mr Big Bollocks and go for more? Whatever, fine by me big man - just scale it up and scaled down the bravado.

You will need:

2 cups of flour (plus a fuck ton extra for shit I will make evident)

4 eggs (some people will only use the yolks - that makes a much richer pasta, but you may need a fifth. Me personally, I did 2 eggs and 2 egg yolks, because I fucking love sitting my arse down on the fence)

1 tablespoon Olive Oil (Optional, but do it)

1 teaspoon salt (Optional, but do it)

That's it! So fucking simple. Now, there are a couple ways to make the dough.

I've known some people to whack it all in a food processor, then pull it out a knead it into a ball, on a well-floured surface (the extra flour is needed here). That is almost definitely the quickest way. Another way, which I have tried, is with the KitchenAid. I sieve the flour and salt in together, add the olive oil, and turn it on. Then I slowly pour in the whisked eggs. I start with the mixing attachment, then switch to the pasta hook after a few minutes. Then you can take the dough out, and it's almost ready, but will need a bit more kneading on a well floured surface again. Again, quicker, but less hands on. The way I like to do it (also the way I have fucked up a few batches to begin with) is the 'well' method.

I like this method because it's fun (maybe not the first time), simple (all you need is a fork), it's hands on, and I am excited to be able to do this with my daughter one day; I think it'd be a really great thing for us to do together. Plus, I find the more work I have to do, the more freeing, the more I remove myself from my own headspace and that release from myself - that's a great feeling too, and I can just enjoy creating.

So, all you do, dump out your flour onto your counter. Then, make a sort of well out of it. You're gonna want a lot of space in the middle, and some high walls. Think of it more like a volcano. In the middle, crack your eggs, and add the salt and olive oil. Then, using your fork, carefully beat your eggs, and slowly fold in the flour-y walls into the mixture, and I mean slowly. Those walls are only made of flour and some of those egg bastards can seep through (See - volcano. You don't want it to erupt like in Pompeii (Yes, that is two Pompeii references in one article. History, bitch). If that does happen, quickly grab some extra flour and build a dam so it doesn't go any further. You'll be a flour architect after this. You could also just stop it running with your hand but, whatever).

Patiently fold in the flour until you have a nice thick mixture. After this, you're gonna wanna get some flour on those man paws of yours; just grab a fist-full and clap like you're a fucking Olympic weight-lifter - you'll look pro and really fucking cool and macho. Then, you start kneading. You're gonna have to knead for longer than the other methods because they use a machine and you're just a man (I know. They're better than us. Prepare for Bladerunner), so to get a nice smooth and elastic dough, you're gonna have to knead, and knead hard, for about 10 minutes. Keep sprinkling some flour in there as you go, because you don't want a wet dough. I mean, it shouldn't be so dry that it's like crumbling away when you touch it, like the preserved bodies of Pompeii (three! Three, mother-fucker!), but come on, use your common sense, idiot. It's pasta dough. If it's too wet, keep sprinkling more flour in there and kneading away. If you've fucked it like a knob and it's too dry (I'm a knob and I've done this plenty), then would I do is just wet my hands with some water, flick off the excess, and let a few drops drip onto the dough and start kneading again. I know, I know - sacre bleu! - well, that's French, idiot. You mean va fa Napoli, and I'm sure in some circles this is a cardinal sin, maybe, I really don't know, but if you have veered too far into dryness, this will help you out. At this stage, I believe, all dough is salvageable. I know this, because at this stage I have been too wet or too dry many times, and I've fixed it (I've been too dry later on in the process, and by that time, you are genuinely fucked, but more on that later).

When you're done with it, wrap it up tight in cling-film, or cling-wrap, or plastic wrap, whatever you term your country or state likes to use, and pop it in the fridge for half hour. Or if you're spent, just leave it in there until the next day - what's the worst that could happen? Seriously asking - I don't know, I've never done it, but it seems like that'd be fine? When it's hard enough time, get it out and let's rock 'n' roll (punny).

Again, a few different ways to roll. If you have lots of surface area on your kitchen counter, then by all means, just roll it all out in one go. Also, if you're gonna use that big fuck-off roller like an arrogant twat, you're also gonna want a lot of surface area. I do not, and I'm sure many others don't either. So I cut my dough into four quarters (because you can't have four halves now can you?). Now, when you are using one of the quarters, remember to put the film back over the other three, otherwise they'll dry out and be a nightmare to work with, and at this point there's not any real chance of fixing it (like I mentioned earlier, believe me, I know, I've done it). So, flour your surface. FLOUR it! Lots. Don't let it stick to the surface. Flour everything that dough might touch. Hands, arms, appliances, just do it. If you're gonna hand roll it with a pin or tubular thing, then you're gonna want to make it real thing, then cut into the shape you want. If you're using a roller, then this bit is for you.

Erm, sorry... this is kinda embarrassing... don't really know how to start this next bit... oh yeah! FLOUR! Flour your roller, flour all over, flour in between the rollers, flour flour flour. Take your first quarter, roll it (by hand, or rolling pin) into a sort of rough rectangle. Put your roller on setting numero uno, feed it through and crank that shit. Pull it out the other side, and give that dough a little shake, a bit of a whip, slap it on the surface (I don't know why - Gordon Ramsay does it, so trust it you idiot sandwich). Then repeat on setting one for 6 or 7 turns. You need to make it flat and consistent. Then, go to number two. Feed it through, crank that shit, give it a little slappy whip shake on the surface. Go to number 3. Remember to keep flouring surfaces and hands and dough at intervals along the way (I don't do it every time - maybe I should - just when I remember basically. It's completely random).

Now - what pasta do you want to make? If you want a fettuccine or linguine, you'll want to go to about level 6, level 5 if you like 'em thic. If you're making ravioli, you're gonna want to go to the highest setting, and you need to be able to see through that dough (shadows, not like, other dimensions). I have a nice little attachment for my roller, that works in the same way - just a crank - and you can feed the dough through and it cuts it for you. Bang - easy. If not, you can buy these pasta cutters that or like a wheel on a stick (don't act you you don't know what I mean), or like a stamp cutter which is ace for ravioli. If you don't have them, just use a knife, but don't be a dick like I was the first time and try and cut all the way down a length of rolled out dough - be smart, fold it over a few times, and then cut it, and unfold the strands of pasta. Work smart.

(Oh, and repeat for the other three quarters of dough!)

All that's left is to let it dry a bit. I am swanky AF and have pasta drying rack (they have a few different forms but the purpose is the same). If you don't have one, you can use a airer you would use for drying clothes. If you're not a college student or looking for a quirky instagram picture, just lay your pasta out on a baking tray or something similar, film it, pop it in the fridge. To cook - no wiat fuck you. I shouldn't need to tell you how to cook the pasta, mate. Boil water, salt it generously, throw in the pasta. All I will say, this takes much less time to cook than store bought, so for the first time, pay attention to it, and then you'll get a good idea for the future.

^^^ Swag. That greased back dark hair makes me look legit too, huh? (Not my usual hairstyle, FYI)

And that's it! That's pasta. Just pasta - maybe later I'll share my favourite dishes and sauces and ravioli fillings. Maybe one day I'll try doing tortellini and gnocchi and have some tips for them too - but for now, this is it, and this is a great starting point for the future.

Have fun creating my dudes.